Month Moments

A few interesting answers have come my way the past month.

A few weeks ago I was pondering and had a question on whether my daughters should participate in upcoming summer church activities. I couldn’t seem to decide one way or another. I filled out a registration form online a few times, but could submit it for my uncertainty. At the end of the week, preparing for attending church, in my mind and heart I asked to receive insight and a decision would be clear to me through the Sunday’s  services. I didn’t arrive at church without an answer. It came unexpectedly, in a text and release from my stake calling, in essence, “we hear you are moving and thank you for your service.” We are moving out of our current ward and stake. We thought we’d be moved already, but the timing is uncertain. I immediately felt the whelm in my heart that my daughters were not to participate in the church activities this summer. Disappointment, but acceptance filled my mind and heart..

Fast forward, sitting in the temple. Confused and frustrated with my lack of ability to be certain and accepting of the Lord’s gospel. To have faith continually has been a struggle for me. I prayed. I felt overwhelmed by a spiritual confirmation, not unlike others, but very powerful from the Lord. I spoke all my concerns and troubles to the Lord. Sell our home, leading and teaching my family, be kind, heal my physical pains...”no”. I held back tears as I hear this answer. No.  Disssapoingment and yearning for the Lord to  help me. It was just a moment, but that yearning and disappointment was intense. The moment following changed those feelings slightly to peace and hope. “Do what is important and right. Blessings will come.” An image of my family together in our living room flashes in my mind. Family home evening was my interpretation of the scene.

This past Sunday we sat in the Alamodome. President Nelson along with a few others, including Elder Bednar were present for a regional devotional. Happily our travel plans had changed so we could attend. Elder Bednar spoke, “being in the middle of the road will become increasingly difficult.” {paraphrasing} He had my attention. I had spoke these words to my husband a week earlier, “I am in the middle of the road, it is hard to be surrounded by people far to the right or left.” Without writing an exuberant amount of backstory, we spoke about the difficulties we felt with extremes in our communities (church and others). Bednar continued his message, a few other stand out phrases hit my mind, “No decision is a decision”, I have heard that before. “Ask yourself, Am I all in as a disciple of Jesus Christ?”

I am still processed, but As I experienced this moment on sunday I marveled at how there were 23,000 people in the Alamodome and I was being spoken to directly. Was this whole night for me? I am not self centered enough to actually think such a thing true. Nevertheless, I was in a surreal moment. How was it I felt in that moment I was the most important person in the room and Bednar’s words were sent to me?

The Lord is mysterious. He knows each of us so profoundly and deeply loves us. As Bednar said “I hope to be, I want to be, I yearn to be, all in.” I don’t know why “all in” is hard for me, but it is something I yearn to one day be able to do.